the notebook-恋恋笔记本(英文版)- 第18节

After　what　seemed　like　an　eternity　he　heard　the　back　door　open。　He　didn’t　turn　to　look　at　her—for　some　reason　he　couldn’t…and　he　listened　as　she　sat　in　the　chair　beside　him。

“I’m　sorry；〃　Allie　said。　〃I　bad　no　idea　this　would　happen。〃

Noah　shook　his　head。　〃Don't　be　sorry。　We　both　knew　it　was　ing　to　some　form　or　another。〃

〃It’s　still　hard。”

〃I　know。〃　He　finally　turned　to　her；　reaching　for　her　hand。　〃Is　here　anything　I　can　do　to　make　it　easier？〃

She　shook　her　head。　〃No。　Not　really。　I　have　to　do　this　alone。　Besides；　I'm　not　sure　what　I'm　going　to　say　to　him　yet。〃　She　looked　down　and　her　voice　became　softer。　〃I　guess　it　depends　on　him　and　low　much　he　knows。　If　my　mother　was　right；　he　may　have　suspicions；　but　he　doesn't　know　anything　for　sure。〃

Noah　felt　tightness　in　his　stomach。　When　he　finally　spoke　his　voice　was　steady；　but　she　could　hear　the　pain　in　it。　〃You're　not　going　to　tell　him　about　us；　are　you？〃

〃I　don't　know。　I　really　don't。　While　I　was　in　the　living　room；　I　kept　asking　myself　what　I　really　wanted　in　my　life。〃　She　squeezed　his　hand。　〃And　do　you　know　what　the　answer　was？　The　answer　was　that　I　want　you。　I　want　us。　I　love　you　and　I　always　have。〃　She　took　a　deep　breath　before　going　on。　〃But　I　also　want　a　happy　ending　without　hurting　anyone。　And　I　know　that　if　I　stayed；　people　would　be　hurt。　Especially　Lon。　I　wasn't　lying　when　I　told　you　that　I　love　him。　He　doesn't　make　me　feel　the　same　way　you　do；　but　I　care　for　him；　and　this　wouldn't　be　fair　to　him。　But　staying　here　would　also　hurt　my　family　and　friends。　I　would　be　betraying　everyone　I　know　。。。　I　don't　know　if　I　can　do　that。〃

〃You　can't　live　your　life　for　other　people。　You've　got　to　do　what's　right　for　you；　even　if　it　hurts　some　people　you　love。〃

〃I　know；〃　she　said；　〃but　no　matter　what　I　choose　I　have　to　live　with　it。　For　ever。　I　have　to　be　able　to　go　forward　and　not　look　back　any　more。　Can　you　understand　that？〃

He　shook　his　head　and　tried　to　keep　his　voice　steady。　〃Not　really。　Not　if　it　means　losing　you。　I　can't　do　that　again。〃

She　didn't　say　anything　but　lowered　her　head。　Noah　went　on：　〃Could　you　really　leave　me　without　looking　back？〃

She　bit　her　lip　as　she　answered。　Her　voice　was　beginning　to　crack。　〃I　don't　know。　Probably　not。〃

〃Would　that　be　fair　to　Lon？〃

She　didn't　answer。　Instead　she　stood　up；　wiped　her　face　and　walked　to　the　edge　of　the　porch　where　she　leaned　against　the　post　and　watched　the　water　before　answering　quietly：　〃No。〃

〃It　doesn't　have　to　be　like　this；　Allie；〃　he　said。　〃We're　adults　now；　we　have　the　choice　we　didn't　have　before。　We're　meant　to　be　together。　We　always　have　been。〃　He　walked　to　her　side　and　put　his　hand　on　her　shoulder。　〃I　don't　want　to　live　the　rest　of　my　life　thinking　about　you　and　dreaming　of　what　might　have　been。　Stay　with　me；　Allie。〃

Tears　filled　her　eyes。　〃I　don't　know　if　I　can；〃　she　whispered。

〃You　can。　Allie　。。。　I　can't　live　my　life　happily　knowing　you're　with　someone　else。　That　would　kill　a　part　of　me。　What　we　have　is　rare。　It's　too　beautiful　to　just　throw　it　away。〃

After　a　moment　he　gently　turned　her　towards　him；　took　her　hands　and　stared　at　her；　willing　her　to　look　at　him。　Allie　finally　faced　him　with　moist　eyes。　After　a　long　silence；　Noah　brushed　the　tears　from　her　cheeks　with　his　fingers。　His　voice　caught　as　he　saw　what　her　eyes　were　telling　him。　〃You're　not　going　to　stay；　are　you？〃　He　smiled　weakly。　〃You　want　to；　but　you　can't。〃

〃Oh；　Noah；〃　she　said　as　the　tears　began　again；　〃try　to　understand—〃

He　shook　his　head　to　stop　her。　〃I　know　what　you're　trying　to　say—I　can　see　it　in　your　eyes。　But　I　don't　want　to　understand　it；　Allie。　I　don't　want　it　to　end　this　way。　I　don't　want　it　to　end　at　all。　But　if　you　leave；　we　both　know　we'll　never　see　each　other　again。〃

She　leaned　into　him　and　began　to　cry　harder　as　Noah　fought　back　his　own　tears。　He　wrapped　his　arms　around　her。

〃Allie；　I　can't　force　you　to　stay　with　me。　But　no　matter　what　happens　in　my　life；　I'll　never　forget　these　last　couple　of　days　with　you。　I've　been　dreaming　about　this　for　years。〃

He　kissed　her　gently；　and　they　embraced　as　they　had　when　she　first　got　out　of　her　car　two　days　ago。　Finally　Allie　let　him　go　and　wiped　her　tears。　〃I　have　to　get　my　things；　Noah。〃

He　didn't　go　inside　with　her。　Instead　he　sat　down　in　the　rocker；　spent。　He　watched　her　go　into　the　house　and　listened　as　the　sound　of　her　movements　faded　into　nothing。　She　emerged　minutes　later　with　everything　she'd　brought　and　walked　towards　him　with　her　head　down。　She　handed　him　the　drawing　she　had　done　yesterday　morning。　〃Here；　Noah。　I　made　this　for　you。〃

Noah　took　the　drawing　and　unrolled　it　slowly。

The　image　in　the　foreground；　which　occupied　most　of　the　page；　was　a　picture　of　how　he　looked　now。　Noah　noticed　that　she　had　pencilled　in　every　detail　of　his　face。　It　was　almost　as　if　she'd　copied　it　from　a　recent　photograph。　The　second　image　was　the　front　of　the　house。　The　detail　there　was　also　incredible；　as　if　she　had　sketched　it　while　sitting　beneath　the　oak　tree。

〃It's　beautiful；　Allie。　Thank　you。〃　He　attempted　a　smile。　〃I　told　you　that　you　were　an　artist。〃　She　nodded；　her　face　cast　downwards；　her　lips　pressed　together。　It　was　time　for　her　to　go。

They　walked　to　her　car　slowly；　without　speaking。　When　they　reached　it；　Noah　embraced　her　again　until　he　could　feel　the　tears　welling　up　in　his　own　eyes。　He　kissed　her　lips　and　both　cheeks；　then　with　his　finger　softly　brushed　the　places　he'd　kissed。

〃I　love　you；　Allie。〃

〃I　love　you；　too。〃

Noah　opened　her　car　door　and　they　kissed　one　more　time。　Then　she　slid　behind　the　wheel；　never　taking　her　eyes　from　him。　She　put　the　packet　of　letters　and　her　handbag　next　to　her　on　the　seat　and　fumbled　for　the　keys；　then　turned　the　ignition。　It　started　easily　and　the　engine　began　to　turn　over　impatiently。　It　was　almost　time。

Noah　pushed　her　door　closed　with　both　hands　and　Allie　rolled　down　the　window。　She　reached　out　her　hand　and　Noah　took　it　for　just　a　moment；　moving　his　fingers　softly　against　her　skin。

〃Stay　with　me；〃　Noah　mouthed　without　sound；　and　this　for　some　reason　hurt　more　than　Allie　would　have　expected。　The　tears　began　to　fall　hard　now；　but　she　couldn't　speak。　Reluctantly；　she　looked　away　and　pulled　her　hand　from　his。　She　put　the　car　in　gear。

He　fell　into　an　almost　trancelike　state　as　he　watched　it　roll　slowly　forwards；　the　gravel　crunching　under　the　wheels。　Slowly　the　car　turned　towards　the　road　that　would　take　her　back　to　town。　Noah　felt　dizzy　at　the　sight。　〃Don't　go！〃　he　wanted　to　shout。　But　he　didn't　say　anything；　and　a　minute　later　the　only　remaining　signs　of　her　were　the　tracks　that　her　car　had　left　behind。

She　was　gone。　For　ever　this　time。　For　ever。　He　closed　his　eyes。

DRIVING　WITH　TEARS　in　her　eyes　was　difficult；　but　Allie　went　on　anyway。　She　kept　the　window　rolled　down；　thinking　the　fresh　air　might　help　clear　her　mind；　but　it　didn't　seem　to。　Nothing　would　help。　She　was　tired；　and　she　wondered　if　she　would　have　the　energy　she　needed　to　talk　to　Lon。　And　what　was　she　going　to　say？　She　hoped　that　something　would　e　to　her　when　the　time　came。　By　the　time　she　reached　Front　Street；　she　had　herself　a　little　more　under　control。　Traffic　was　light　and　she　had　time　to　watch　strangers　going　about　their　Business　as　she　drove　through　New　Bern。　At　a　service　station；　a　mechanic　was　looking　under　the　bon　of　a　new　car。　Two　women　were　pushing　prams　just　outside　Hoffman…Lane；　chatting　while　they　window…shopped。

　She　saw　the　inn　just　up　the　street　while　she　was　stopped　at　a　red　light。　She　took　a　deep　breath　when　the　light　turned　green　and　drove　slowly　until　she　reached　the　parking　lot。　She　turned　in　and　saw　Lon's　car　sitting　in　the　first　spot。　Although　the　one　next　to　it　was　open；　she　passed　it　and　picked　a　spot　a　little　further　from　the　entrance。

She　turned　off　the　engine；　then　reached　into　the　glove　partment　for　a　mirror　and　brush。　Looking　at　herself；　she　saw　her　eyes　were　still　red　and　puffy。　Like　yesterday　after　the　rain；　she　was　sorry　she　didn't　have　any　make…up；　though　she　doubted　it　would　help　much　now。　She　reached　for　her　purse；　opened　it；　and　once　again　looked　at　the　article　that　had　brought　her　here。　It　felt　impossible　to　her　that　she　had　arrived　only　the　day　before　yeste