Marty slammed the door on him； and bolted it。 He felt too squeamish to look at the gouging on his leg； but he could tell by the warmth soaking into sock and shoe that it was bleeding badly。
〃Can you 。 。 。 you get something 。 。 。〃 he said； 〃。 。 。 just to cover it？〃 Too breathless to reply； Carys nodded； and rounded the corner into the kitchen。 There was a towel on the draining board； but it was too unsavory to be used on an open wound。 She started to search for something clean； however primitive。 It was time they were gone； Mamoulian would not stay out all night。
In the hallway； Marty listened for any sound from the cellar。 He heard none。
Another noise infiltrated； however； one that he'd almost forgotten about。 The buzz of the house was back in his head； and that mellow voice was threaded into it； a dreamy undercurrent。 mon sense told him to shut it out。 But when he listened； trying to sort out its syllables； it seemed the nausea and the pain in his leg subsided。
On the back of a kitchen chair Carys had found one of Mamoulian's dark…gray shirts。 The European was fastidious about his laundry。 The shirt had been recently laundered； an ideal bandage。 She tore it up…though its fine…quality cotton resisted…then soaked a length of it in cold water to clean the wound； and made strips of the rest to bind the leg up。 When she was done； she went out into the hallway。 But Marty had gone。
55
He had to see。 Or if seeing wouldn't do （What was seeing anyway？ Mere sensuality） then he would learn a new way of knowing。 That was the promise the room whispered in his ear： a new thing to know and a way of knowing it。 He pulled himself up the banisters； hand over hand； less and less aware of the pain as he climbed to the buzzing darkness。 He wanted so much to take the ghost…train ride。 There were dreams in there。 he'd never dreamed； would never have a chance to dream again。 Blood squelched in his shoe； he laughed at it。 A spasm had begun in his leg； he ignored it。 The last steps were ahead： he climbed them with steady work。 The door was ajar。
He achieved the summit of the stairs and limped toward it。
Though it was totally dark in the cellar； that scarcely concerned the Razor…Eater。 It was many weeks since his eyes had worked as well as they'd used to： he'd learned to substitute touch for sight。 He stood up and tried to think clearly。 Soon the European would e home。 There would be punishment for leaving the house unattended and letting this escape take place。 Worse than that； he would not see the girl anymore； no longer be able to watch her pass water； that fragrant water he preserved for special occasions。 He was desolate。
He heard her moving even now in the hallway above him； she was going up the stairs。 The rhythm of her tiny feet was familiar to him； he'd listened long nights and days to her padding back and forth in her cell。 In his mind's eye the ceiling of the cellar became transparent； he looked up between her legs as she climbed the stairs； that lavish slit gaped。 It made him angry to be losing it； and her。 She was old； of course； not like the pretty at the table； or the others on the streets； but there had been times when her presence had been the one thing keeping him from insanity。
He went back； stumbling in the pitch； in the direction of his little autocannibal； whose dining had been so rudely interrupted。 Before he got to her； his foot kicked at one of the carving knives he'd left on the table should she want to help herself。 He went down on all fours and patted the ground until he found it； and then he crawled back up the stairs and started to hack at the wood where the light through the door crack showed the bolts to be。
Carys didn't want to go to the top of the house again。 There was so much up there she feared。 Innuendo rather than fact； but enough to make her weak。 Why Marty had gone up…and that was the only place he could have gone…confounded her。 Despite his claim to understanding； there was still so much he had to learn。
〃Marty？〃 she'd called； at the foot of the stairs； hoping he'd appear at the top； smiling； and limp down to her without her having to go up and fetch him。 But her inquiry was met with silence； and the night wasn't getting any younger。 The European might e to the door at any moment。
Unwillingly； she started up the stairs。
Marty had never understood until now。 He'd been a virgin； living in a world innocent of this deep and exhilarating penetration； not simply of body； of mind too。 The air in the room closed around his head as soon as he stepped into it。 The plates of his skull seemed to grind against each other； the voice of the room； no longer needing its whispered tones； shouted in his brain。 So you came？ Of course you came。 Wele to Wonderland。 He was dimly aware that it was his own voice that was speaking these words。 It had probably been his voice all along。 He had been talking to himself like a lunatic。 Even though he'd now seen through the trick； the voice came again； lower this time…This is a fine place to find yourself in； don't you think？
At the question； he looked around。 There was nothing to see； not even walls。 If there were windows in the room； they were hermetically sealed。 Not a chink of the outside world belonged in here。
〃I don't see anything；〃 he murmured in reply to the room's boast。
The voice laughed； he laughed with it。
Nothing here to be frightened of； it said。 Then； after a smirking pause： Nothing here at all。
And that was right； wasn't it？ Nothing at all。 It wasn't just darkness that kept him sightless； it was the room itself。 He glanced giddily over his shoulder： he could no longer see the door behind him； even though he knew he had left it open when he came in。 There should have been at least a glimmer of light from downstairs spilling into the room。 But that illumination had been eaten up； as was the beam of his flashlight。 A smothering gray fog pressed so close to his eyes that even if he lifted his hand up in front of him he could see nothing。
You're all right here； the room soothed him。 No judges here； no bars here。
〃Am I blind？〃 he asked。
No； the room replied。 You're seeing truly for the first time。
〃I 。 。 。 don't 。 。 。 like it。〃 Of course you don't。 But you'll learn in time。 Living's not for you。 Ghosts of ghosts； the living are。 You want to lie down； be done with that caper。 Nothing's essential； boy。
〃I want to leave。〃 Would I tell you lies？
〃I want to leave 。 。 。 please。〃 You're in safe hands。
〃Please。〃 He stumbled forward； confused as to which way the door was。 In front； or behind？ Arms spread before him like a blind man on a cliff edge； he reeled； looking for some point of security。 This wasn't the adventure he'd thought it would be； it was nothing。 Nothing is essential。 Once stepped into； this boundless nowhere had neither distance nor depth； north nor south。 And everything outside it…the stairs； the landing； the stairs below that； the hallway； Carys…all of it was like a fabrication。 A dream of palpability； not a true place。 There was no true place but here。 All he'd lived and experienced； all he'd taken joy in； taken pain in； it was insubstantial。 Passion was dust。 Optimism； self…deception。 He doubted now even the memory of senses： the textures； the temperatures。 Color； form； pattern。 All diversions…games the mind had invented to disguise this unbearable zero。 And why not？ Looking too long into the abyss would madden a man。
Not mad； surely？ said the room； savoring the thought。
Always； even in his blackest moments （lying on a bunk in a hothouse cell； listening to the man in the bed below sob in his sleep） there had been something to look forward to： a letter； a dawn； release； some glimpse of meaning。
But here； meaning was dead。 Future and past were dead。 Love and life were dead。 Even death was dead； because anything that excited emotion was unwele here。 Only nothing： once and for all； nothing。
〃Help me；〃 he said； like a lost child。
Go to Hell； the room respectfully replied； and for the first time in his life； he knew exactly what that meant。
On the second landing； Carys stopped。 She could hear voices； not； n