battered before him。
'You could do other kinds of reporting。 You're a good writer； Joe。 Write some human interest stories。 You need to be working； doing something that'll make you feel useful again。'
Instead of answering her； he said； 'I don't function alone。 I just want to be with Michelle。 I want to be with Chrissie and Nina。'
'Someday you will be；' she said； for in spite of everything； she remained a woman of faith。
'I want to be with them now。' His voice broke； and he paused to put it back together。 'I'm finished here； but I don't have the guts to move on。'
'Don't talk like that； Joe。'
He didn't have the courage to end his life； because he had no convictions about what came after this world。 He did not truly believe that he would find his wife and daughters again in a realm of light and loving spirits。 Lately； when he gazed at a night sky； he Saw only distant stuns in a meaningless void； but he couldn't bear to voice his doubt； because to do so would be to imply that Michelle's and the girls' lives had been meaningless as well。
Beth said； 'We're all here for a purpose。'
'They were my purpose。 They're gone。'
'then there's another purpose you're meant for。 It's your job now to find it。 There's a reason you're still here。'
'No reason；' he disagreed。 'Tell me about the sky； Beth。'
After a hesitation； she said； 'The clouds to the east aren't gilded any more。 The pink is gone too。 They're white clouds； no rain in them； and not dense but like a filigree against the blue。'
He listened to her describe the morning at the other end of the continent。 Then they talked about fireflies； which she and Henry had enjoyed watching from their back porch the previous night。 Southern California had no fireflies； but Joe remembered them from his boyhood in Pennsylvania。 They talked about Henry's garden； too； in which strawberries were ripening； and in time Joe grew sleepy。
Beth's last words to him were： 'It's full daylight here now。 Morning's going past us and heading your way； Joey。 You give it a chance； morning's going to bring you the reason you need； some purpose； because that's what the morning does。'
After he hung up； Joe lay on his side； staring at the window； from which the silvery lunar light had faded。 The moon had set。 He was in the blackest depths of the night。
When he returned to sleep； he dreamed not of any glorious approaching purpose but of an unseen； indefinable； looming menace。 Like a great weight falling through the sky above him。
2
Later Saturday morning； driving to Santa Monica； Joe Carpenter suffered an anxiety attack。 His chest tightened； and he was able to draw breath only with effort。 When he lifted one hand from the wheel； his fingers quivered like those of a palsied old man。
He was overe by a sense of falling； as from a great height； as though his Honda had driven off the freeway into an inexplicable and bottomless abyss。 The pavement stretched unbroken ahead of him； and the tyres sang against the blacktop； but he could not reason himself back to a perception of stability。
Indeed； the plummeting sensation grew so severe and terrifying that he took his foot off the accelerator and tapped the brake pedal。
Horns blared and skidding tyres squealed as traffic adjusted to his sudden deceleration。 As cars and trucks swept past the Honda； the drivers glared murderously at Joe or mouthed offensive words； or made obscene gestures。 This was greater Los Angeles in an age of change； crackling with the energy of doom； yearning for the Apocalypse； where an unintended slight or an inadvertent trespass on someone else's turf might result in a thermonuclear response。
His sense of falling did not abate。 His stomach turned over as if he were aboard a roller coaster； plunging along a precipitous length of track。 Although he was alone in the car； he heard the screams of passengers； faint at first and then louder； not the good…humoured shrieks of thrill seekers at an amusement park； but cries of genuine anguish。
As though from a distance； he listened to himself whispering； 'No； no； no； no。；
A brief gap in traffic allowed him to angle the Honda off the pavement。 The shoulder of the freeway was narrow。 He stopped as close as possible to the guardrail； over which lush oleander bushes loomed like a great cresting green tide。
He put the car in park but didn't switch off the engine。 Even though he was sheathed in cold sweat； he needed the chill blasts of air…conditioning to be able to breathe。 The pressure on his chest increased。 Each stuttering inhalation was a struggle； and each hot exhalation burst from him with an explosive wheeze。
Although the air in the Honda was clear； Joe smelled smoke。 He tasted it too： the acrid melange of burning oil； melting plastic； smouldering vinyl； scorched metal。
When he glanced at the dense clusters of leaves and the deep…red flowers of the oleander pressing against the windows on the passenger side； his imagination morphed them into billowing clouds of greasy smoke。 The window became a rectangular porthole with rounded corners and thick dual…pane glass。
Joe might have thought he was losing his mind…if he hadn't suffered similar anxiety attacks during the past year。 Although sometimes as much as two weeks passed between episodes； he often endured as many as three in one day； each lasting between ten minutes and half an hour。
He had seen a therapist。 The counselling had not helped。
His doctor remended anti…anxiety medication。 He rejected the prescription。 He wanted to feel the pain。 It was all he had。
Closing his eyes； covering his face with his icy hands； he strove to regain control of himself； but the catastrophe continued to unfold around him。 The sense of falling intensified。 The smell of smoke thickened。 The screams of phantom passengers grew louder。
Everything shook。 The floor beneath his feet。 The cabin walls。 The ceiling。 Horrendous rattling and twanging and banging and gong…like clanging acpanied the shaking； shaking； shaking。
'Please；' he pleaded。
Without opening his eyes； he lowered his hands from his face。 They lay fisted at his sides。
After a moment； the small hands of frightened children clutched at his hands； and he held them tightly。
The children were not in the car； of course； but in their seats in the doomed airliner。 Joe was flashing back to the crash of Flight 353。 For the duration of this seizure； he would be in two places at once：
in the real world of the Honda and in the Nationwide Air 747 as it found its way down from the serenity of the stratosphere； through
overcast night sky； into a meadow as unforgiving as iron。
Michelle had been sitting between the kids。 Her hands； not Joe's； were those that Chrissie and Nina gripped in their last long minutes of unimaginable dread。
As the shaking grew worse； the air was filled with projectiles。
Paperback books； laptop puters； pocket calculators； flatware and dishes…because a few passengers had not yet finished dinner when disaster struck…plastic drinking glasses； single…serving bottles of liquor； pencils and pens ricocheted through the cabin。
Coughing because of the smoke； Michelle would have urged the girls to keep their heads down。 Heads down。 Protect your faces。
Such faces。 Beloved faces。 Seven…year…old Chrissie had her mother's high cheekbones and clear green eyes。 Joe would never forget the flush of joy that suffused Chrissie's face when she was taking a ballet lesson； or the squint…eyed concentration with which she approached home plate to take her turn at bat in Little League baseball games。 Nina； only four； the pug…nosed munchkin with eyes as blue as sapphires； had a way of crinkling her sweet face in pure delight at the sight of a dog or cat。 Animals were drawn to her…and she to them…as though she were the reincarnation of St。 Francis of Assisi； which was not a far…fetched idea when one saw her gazing with wonder and love upon even an ugly garden lizard cupped in her small； careful hands。
Heads down。 Protect your faces。
In that advice was hope； the implication that they would all survive and that the worst thing that might